last post on this blog.

it time to move on.

it's a new year and i have new perspectives as to how I want my writing to go.

good bye year of fucking crazy and hello year of adventure, lets see where you take me.

If you love me then why won't you hold me

I always tend to be the other woman.

I can sum up this year in two words, fucking crazy.
i didnt expect anything and so much has happened, a lot of big steps and huge changes, that have led me to who I am as of today.

I moved to New york, adopted a new do and look. came home a different person, i've learned to embrace and enjoy solitude, i've learned to manage living alone, doing things alone in a new city, I've had many introductions and just as many goodbyes.
anyways I can go on and on about 2009. I could probably make a fucking book about october alone but the point is how i am and who I am now.

I am greatful to my friends now and those that I have recently departed with, I have learned from all.

I feel like i've aged 6 years with all the shit i've been through this year but I am ready to face another year of unexpected surprises, unexpected challenges, and unexpected acomplishments.

2009 you've been fucking crazy and I cant wait till you finally end.







And everything and everyone around me is changing
Now that I've been the other woman

Desires wither the heart.

I just want to be in the wilderness, travel alone and explore the world, other cultures, myself. I know I've run enough. but I crave this. I need it. I need to feel alive again. I want that feeling of wander. That baby-like state. I didn't need anyone to make me happy and now I am starting to feel lonely again. It's time for a new journey, I've grown so much and had to deal with a lot of pain and trouble. I want to feel my age, I just want to run wild and not know what the fuck i am doing and where I am going.

I think i am clutching on to anyone who will go with me. Mostly guys I like. they all say yes, but none of them want to do. "Just dive in with me", i want to say, "just trust me", "I know it will be a lot of fun but remember this trip isn't just that, there will be challenges and who we are will be tested, it's a journey and I am inviting you to come with me. grow with me." maybe that would convince them. If only i was that honest. I wish I could just be completely honest to you, all of you and tell you exactly how i felt. I dont think you can handle the truth and I am afraid If you all knew you'd all hate me, or think I am pathetic, impatient, it's fine.

I also ask because I secretly think that maybe you'd end up falling in love with me.

too bad it's the guys that I am not that into end up being the only ones loving me.

I am not special, you dont know me, you dont know what i think, we have nothing in common, if you only knew. I am boring, unattractive, i am completely lost.

lost
lost
lost
lost.

I just wan to escape.

let's be wild and free.

road trips
adventure
love
peace
simplicity

let go of all material possessions and just go.

Live minimal
Leave the mystery
Don't play the game
Start fresh

everything is unexpected

And everything has a purpose.

People think to much about the destination and don't enjoy the journey

lost my mind

This month hasn't gotten any better. My friends are losing their patience with me it's so easy to try and runaway. It's easy to hide. But I need to stay here and fix things. I am ready for a new life.